Funny Girl Sex Guide: How Not To Neglect The Titties

Breasts, boobs, tits, tatas, jugs, melons, knockers, rack — there are about as many nicknames as there are ways to show your appreciation for our golden globes. In the immortal words of Simple Minds: “Don’t you forget about me!” Seriously, fellas, you can go down on me for hours, but if you don’t touch my boobs, I won’t be satisfied. Unfortunately, every gal has got a story to tell about some boob hound who did her knockers wrong. So, let’s sit down for a little titty straight talk.

1. DON’T Just Suck: If you keep sucking in a constant, steady motion, like a baby, and don’t switch up your moves, we’ll get creeped out. Throw a lick or a hand in, for goodness sakes, or we’ll make you use a bottle next time!

2. DO Nibble Away — But Not Too Hard: My nipples are not hyper sensitive, so I like my tit play a little rough, but that doesn’t mean I want you to gnaw off my areolae either. I need it. Using a little bit of teeth can give that pleasure-y kind of pain, sure, but go easy there, tiger. If I want it harder, I’ll tell you I want it harder.

3. DON’T Prod At Them: Breasts are weird in that you can touch them in one spot and it’ll feel super good, and then you can touch them in another spot just, like, a half inch away and it’ll hurt. I imagine it’s not unlike the sensitivity of your balls. So no poking and prodding! You’re not giving me a breast exam and checking for suspicious lumps, are you? (Although if you find something odd, please do let me know.) Try cupping the whole tit (or as much as you can fit in a handful) and gently massage. If our nipples aren’t hard, what you’re doing isn’t working. Sound familiar?

4. DO Try Titty Fucking: There may come a time when my cleavage may need some lubrication … WINK. You don’t need to have big breasts to pull off the titty fuck, though large jugs certainly make it easier and offer a larger variety of feasible positions. But you’re going to need some sort of lubrication. If you’re in the shower, lather up her chest with some body wash and go to town. Outside the shower, opt for lube. Your instinct may be to use spit, but your partner may find you hocking a loogie on her chest a little degrading, and besides, spit is too drying. Lube will keep the slip and slide between her cans nice and wet.

5. DO Treat All Breasts With Respect: Alright, now that we’ve gone over how to have fun with the girls, let’s review some basic ground rules about how to treat breasts with respect. First, even if my pair is spectacular, you cannot list them among the reasons you like me. Breasts are not a personality trait. Second, you can be excited when I go up a cup size from birth control or weight gain, but please remember there is a person attached to those new fun bags, and you liked that girl before she grew. Third, forget you ever learned the word “saggy.” And lastly, do not make fun of any woman’s rack — mine, your ex-girlfriend’s, or the woman with obvious fake ones serving you drinks. They’re tits; you get what you get — even if that involved a saline purchase.

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